First doctor’s appointment… It’s not as good as I hoped. The baby is only measuring 6 weeks 2 days to be exact-- it should be 10 weeks 3 days . This means one of two things A) the baby isn’t growing and that will mean a miscarriage in the end. B) I ovulated late and essentially skipped my December period (if that is the case the baby will be exactly where it needs to be). I had blood work done at the doctor’s office and am going back on Thursday, this will tell us if the baby is growing. If the blood work comes back that the baby is growing I will have a follow up appointment in two weeks to check everything and make sure there is a heartbeat.

Originally I handled the news like a champ, no change in expression, this will all be okay. Once I left the doctor that was a whole different story. A wave of emotion came over me. I’m not sad or stressed I guess I’m more afraid than anything. I’m not afraid of miscarriage, that is a very normal thing, I’m more afraid that there is something wrong with the baby. I will know more on Friday but the world of the unknown is not something that I handle well. Regardless of what happens it is out of my control and there is nothing I can do at this point, it’s out of my hands.

I’m not sharing for empathy or attention, I committed to myself that I was going to share my story the good the bad and the ugly. The truth is life isn’t always a rainbows and butterflies pregnancy is no different, there is true heartbreak that happens.

8 weeks! I feel like every week is worth celebrating. I’ve been reading a lot lately, and I’m sure I am more aware because I'm pregnant but miscarriage and infertility are everywhere.  Granted, I have not suffered from infertility so I can only barely understand the pain of what they must be going through. It took me 5 grueling months to get pregnant, and every month that there wasn’t a positive pregnancy test I started to worry even more.  So when someone is brave enough to share their miscarriage story or infertility my heart goes out to them, it’s often times a silent battle that is horribly painful. I have only had a glimpse of the pain myself, I’ve been a very curious friend as one of my best friends struggled to get pregnant. I’m currently reading What Alice Forgot, a book I would not recommend reading when you’re in early pregnancy. Alice’s sister Elizabeth has suffered with infertility, countless miscarriages, and IVF. Reading such stories does not help with the paranoia.

   

While getting and staying pregnant can be difficult, being pregnant is no walk in the park either. Apparently I was blissfully unaware of what being pregnant entailed. Did you know nosebleeds can be a common pregnancy symptom? Yeah, me neither until I had two this weekend. You wouldn’t expect little things to make you feel like you’re going to blow chunks. Gagging while you brush your teeth, check! Gagging when you put any foreign object in your mouth ie. pen, putting a pillow case on, laundry when your hands are full, check! That feeling at the base of your throat like you could lose your lunch at   any given moment, check!

You are not invincible if you aren’t sick in the beginning. I thought I wasn’t going to get that sick and oh boy was I wrong! The end of week 8 has come with vengeance. I’ve had one of the worst day’s in a long time today. And throwing up this morning was just icing on the cake- they don’t lie when they say eat something before you get out of bed. I choose to think “oh I’m nauseous but it won’t happen to me.” Yes, I was VERY VERY wrong. It’s okay to cry sometimes, I certainly have today.


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